Post by 3ben on Jul 16, 2015 13:14:56 GMT -5
My story feels like too much and too identifying to share. The trans community is so tiny.
This already feels very identifying but I can tell you things I feel are related to being trans/ftm, and why I stayed.
For many reasons I felt like my partner was an expert about gender and masculinity. Also relationships. Also money.
He pressured me to move to a housing situation where I couldn't be out as trans or male without threatening our housing. I went along with it because he had all of these reasons why that place was better for him. I didn't want to disregard his needs.
When my partner yelled at me because I cried over stupid things that men shouldn't cry over I took that as valuable feedback. I appreciated him gender policing me. I wanted to measure up. He usually dated older, more masculine men - I wanted to prove that I could be like those men. He told me that of course he saw me as a man - otherwise he wouldn't get so upset about me acting like that.
We got married and merged finances. Since my partner managed our money and knew a lot about trans issues, my surgeries were just never a possibility or a priority. I was not trans enough to really need surgery. Though my partner would say we could change plans, I knew this was not really okay. When I moved toward having surgery in any way he would get upset.
But he did respect my gender. He stood up to others who mispronouned me. He stood up to those who pressured me to transition in ways I did not want. Sometimes he'd tell me he was disappointed that I would never look cis, and that I was hotter as a butch anyway. But he said he supported me no matter what I decided to do.
Yet I could never seem to be a good enough partner to him. I wanted things for myself and that never seemed to go well. As I tried more and more to be a whole person and not make him the judge of whether or not I was good enough, he kept escalating the things he was doing to demand that I meet his needs above mine.
Eventually I started asking him to change some things about the way he was treating me. For example, because he'd threatened me physically a few times, I didn't feel safe with him anymore, and I asked him to stop joking about beating me up. We used to horse around more - but he's bigger than me, and after he came after me for real a couple times, it made me too nervous.
He told me that if he were going to change this, he would have to change his whole mindset. He would have to think of me as more sensitive and vulnerable. He might even have to think of me as a woman. And I wouldn't want that, would I?
#WhyIStayed Because I loved him. Because I had made a commitment to him. Because he had survived so much, including terrible abuse of all kinds. Because for so long everything was psychological / emotional / verbal, never physical, and I was sure we only had problems because of me doing things wrong and not knowing how to be a good partner. Because sometimes he cried that I was "setting [him] up as [my] emotional abuser" and I wanted to prove that I was not doing that, because why would I, when I loved him so much. Because he is not a macho, angry man like his father. Because he was supposed to be my boy. Because I didn't want to be ableist by not being able to handle his mental health issues and abandoning him. Because I was supposed to take care of him. Because I liked to feel needed. Because it got progressively worse over time. Because we had a history together and I believed so hard in our shared dreams and plans. Because so many people had not believed in us as a couple, and I wanted to prove them wrong. Because so many other people were invested in us as a couple. Because I was so proud that I'd found my life partner so young and I didn't want to humiliate myself by making that not be true anymore. Because somehow my sense of duty to make him feel better became more important than my ability to feel emotionally safe and valued in a relationship. Because I was supposed to be the strong one and I wasn't supposed to need his help in order to feel safe - I should have been able to feel safe all on my own. Because the mind games messed with my sense of reality. Because I kept pouring love in and hoping that each series of fights and outlandish accusations and threats were context-specific to going through certain life stressors and that it would all be okay eventually. Because it was my day-to-day life and I had so many other things to figure out and strive for at the same time that it took years to figure everything out. Because I remembered how good it could be before I realized that wasn't enough. Because he never quite hit me. Because even now I feel bad writing this . . . and because I'm still heartbroken that leaving him means he hates me now, and I don't think we can ever be friends again.
This already feels very identifying but I can tell you things I feel are related to being trans/ftm, and why I stayed.
For many reasons I felt like my partner was an expert about gender and masculinity. Also relationships. Also money.
He pressured me to move to a housing situation where I couldn't be out as trans or male without threatening our housing. I went along with it because he had all of these reasons why that place was better for him. I didn't want to disregard his needs.
When my partner yelled at me because I cried over stupid things that men shouldn't cry over I took that as valuable feedback. I appreciated him gender policing me. I wanted to measure up. He usually dated older, more masculine men - I wanted to prove that I could be like those men. He told me that of course he saw me as a man - otherwise he wouldn't get so upset about me acting like that.
We got married and merged finances. Since my partner managed our money and knew a lot about trans issues, my surgeries were just never a possibility or a priority. I was not trans enough to really need surgery. Though my partner would say we could change plans, I knew this was not really okay. When I moved toward having surgery in any way he would get upset.
But he did respect my gender. He stood up to others who mispronouned me. He stood up to those who pressured me to transition in ways I did not want. Sometimes he'd tell me he was disappointed that I would never look cis, and that I was hotter as a butch anyway. But he said he supported me no matter what I decided to do.
Yet I could never seem to be a good enough partner to him. I wanted things for myself and that never seemed to go well. As I tried more and more to be a whole person and not make him the judge of whether or not I was good enough, he kept escalating the things he was doing to demand that I meet his needs above mine.
Eventually I started asking him to change some things about the way he was treating me. For example, because he'd threatened me physically a few times, I didn't feel safe with him anymore, and I asked him to stop joking about beating me up. We used to horse around more - but he's bigger than me, and after he came after me for real a couple times, it made me too nervous.
He told me that if he were going to change this, he would have to change his whole mindset. He would have to think of me as more sensitive and vulnerable. He might even have to think of me as a woman. And I wouldn't want that, would I?
#WhyIStayed Because I loved him. Because I had made a commitment to him. Because he had survived so much, including terrible abuse of all kinds. Because for so long everything was psychological / emotional / verbal, never physical, and I was sure we only had problems because of me doing things wrong and not knowing how to be a good partner. Because sometimes he cried that I was "setting [him] up as [my] emotional abuser" and I wanted to prove that I was not doing that, because why would I, when I loved him so much. Because he is not a macho, angry man like his father. Because he was supposed to be my boy. Because I didn't want to be ableist by not being able to handle his mental health issues and abandoning him. Because I was supposed to take care of him. Because I liked to feel needed. Because it got progressively worse over time. Because we had a history together and I believed so hard in our shared dreams and plans. Because so many people had not believed in us as a couple, and I wanted to prove them wrong. Because so many other people were invested in us as a couple. Because I was so proud that I'd found my life partner so young and I didn't want to humiliate myself by making that not be true anymore. Because somehow my sense of duty to make him feel better became more important than my ability to feel emotionally safe and valued in a relationship. Because I was supposed to be the strong one and I wasn't supposed to need his help in order to feel safe - I should have been able to feel safe all on my own. Because the mind games messed with my sense of reality. Because I kept pouring love in and hoping that each series of fights and outlandish accusations and threats were context-specific to going through certain life stressors and that it would all be okay eventually. Because it was my day-to-day life and I had so many other things to figure out and strive for at the same time that it took years to figure everything out. Because I remembered how good it could be before I realized that wasn't enough. Because he never quite hit me. Because even now I feel bad writing this . . . and because I'm still heartbroken that leaving him means he hates me now, and I don't think we can ever be friends again.