Post by jumpingjoe on Dec 16, 2014 19:30:34 GMT -5
I was always one of those people, you know the kind of person who believes in love, commitment and honesty. Growing up, like many other little girls, I envisioned falling in love, getting married and starting a family. However, my vision was slightly different than that of other little girls, because I was the one wearing a tux with tails.
Getting to the place I am today --- a trans man in his 40's --- had it's share of ups and downs. I grew up in a conservative part of the country and had no exposure as a younger person to transgender people. In fact, it wasn't until I moved north and came out as a lesbian, did I truly realize what and who I was. I wanted to be a boy, I wanted to be a man. Shortly after discovering this, I decided to transition my gender. Personally, I took a rather traditional approach to my transition process, starting hormones initially, followed by top surgery about two years later. Prior to transitioning, I identified as a lesbian and dated women as a woman. Overall, these relationships were successful ones and while I am not with either of my longer-term lesbian-identifed girlfriends today, we are still friends. It wasn't until 3 years into my transition when I met my first girlfriend as a man. This relationship was a decent one and while it did end after about a year, we also remain friends today. In fact, I have managed to remain friendly with all the women and men I have dated in my life, except -- of course -- the last.
This particular woman was my dream come true. She was my exact type on -- what appeared to be -- many levels. She was smart, she was sexy, she was kind, she was giving, or so I thought. Our relationship started off intense and quick and we dated long-distance for almost a year before I decided to relocate. Admittedly, a number of early red flags did start to show up, but well, I figured love could concure all, right? WRONG. The first red flag occurred prior to my move, and even then, I negated a truth that was right infront of my face. Was this woman really the sheep in wolves clothing she liked the people, who were close to her, to think, or was it the other way around? Upon landing in town -- the town she lived in and I was about to call home, as well -- things took a turn for the worst.
Please understand, I am the first to recognize it takes two to tango, I am and was not some innocent victim and I too reacted in ways I am not proud of. Admittedly, I said things I did not mean and attempted to use a relationship -- that was clearly not good from the start -- to resolve some deeply rooted, co-dependent issues within myself. I also GET that I should have left sooner, but my fears of being alone and low-self esteem issues got in the way and well, I stayed, hoping it would get better, wanting to believe, even until the end, that this woman loved me -- like she claimed she did -- and wanted things to work between us. I WAS DEAD WRONG.
I was called horrid names that didn't even make sense. Parts of my body were ridiculed. My personality criticized. My livelihood threatened. My head, face, neck, arms and legs attacked. My boundaries walked over. My feelings negated. And my personal property destroyed.
This is my story, and it is not a pretty one.
If you must know, I am no longer angry. In my own heart and mind I have forgiven my ex, although I remain in and will continue having no contact with her for obvious reasons.
After 15 months, I am finally starting to heal and move forward. During this time, I have remained single, started back to therapy, continued engaging in hobbies that are important to me, and have continued to solidify a supportive group of friends around me. Additionally, I started the Trans-Masculine Abuse Project.
Are there times when I still feel traumatized? Yes.
Do I continue to struggle with feelings of dissonance when it comes to my ex? Yes.
Does part of me still believe -- like that little girl did -- that love, commitment and honesty can exist in a relationship? YES
If you are like I was and find yourself in a relationship that hurts or abuses you, remember, YOU DESERVE BETTER.
Getting to the place I am today --- a trans man in his 40's --- had it's share of ups and downs. I grew up in a conservative part of the country and had no exposure as a younger person to transgender people. In fact, it wasn't until I moved north and came out as a lesbian, did I truly realize what and who I was. I wanted to be a boy, I wanted to be a man. Shortly after discovering this, I decided to transition my gender. Personally, I took a rather traditional approach to my transition process, starting hormones initially, followed by top surgery about two years later. Prior to transitioning, I identified as a lesbian and dated women as a woman. Overall, these relationships were successful ones and while I am not with either of my longer-term lesbian-identifed girlfriends today, we are still friends. It wasn't until 3 years into my transition when I met my first girlfriend as a man. This relationship was a decent one and while it did end after about a year, we also remain friends today. In fact, I have managed to remain friendly with all the women and men I have dated in my life, except -- of course -- the last.
This particular woman was my dream come true. She was my exact type on -- what appeared to be -- many levels. She was smart, she was sexy, she was kind, she was giving, or so I thought. Our relationship started off intense and quick and we dated long-distance for almost a year before I decided to relocate. Admittedly, a number of early red flags did start to show up, but well, I figured love could concure all, right? WRONG. The first red flag occurred prior to my move, and even then, I negated a truth that was right infront of my face. Was this woman really the sheep in wolves clothing she liked the people, who were close to her, to think, or was it the other way around? Upon landing in town -- the town she lived in and I was about to call home, as well -- things took a turn for the worst.
Please understand, I am the first to recognize it takes two to tango, I am and was not some innocent victim and I too reacted in ways I am not proud of. Admittedly, I said things I did not mean and attempted to use a relationship -- that was clearly not good from the start -- to resolve some deeply rooted, co-dependent issues within myself. I also GET that I should have left sooner, but my fears of being alone and low-self esteem issues got in the way and well, I stayed, hoping it would get better, wanting to believe, even until the end, that this woman loved me -- like she claimed she did -- and wanted things to work between us. I WAS DEAD WRONG.
I was called horrid names that didn't even make sense. Parts of my body were ridiculed. My personality criticized. My livelihood threatened. My head, face, neck, arms and legs attacked. My boundaries walked over. My feelings negated. And my personal property destroyed.
This is my story, and it is not a pretty one.
If you must know, I am no longer angry. In my own heart and mind I have forgiven my ex, although I remain in and will continue having no contact with her for obvious reasons.
After 15 months, I am finally starting to heal and move forward. During this time, I have remained single, started back to therapy, continued engaging in hobbies that are important to me, and have continued to solidify a supportive group of friends around me. Additionally, I started the Trans-Masculine Abuse Project.
Are there times when I still feel traumatized? Yes.
Do I continue to struggle with feelings of dissonance when it comes to my ex? Yes.
Does part of me still believe -- like that little girl did -- that love, commitment and honesty can exist in a relationship? YES
If you are like I was and find yourself in a relationship that hurts or abuses you, remember, YOU DESERVE BETTER.